Selfish Man
by NoVaNoah
Summary: 6 hours away from turning 35 years old, overworked General Roy Mustang gets emotional over a wide range of stuff, and goes into a state that mixes nostalgia and resolutions. He "holds" a cathartic talk with his 1 year old son Daniel.


1919, April 13th.

Urdor's HQ, Urdor. Ishval Region. Amestris.

* * *

Roy laid his head on the back of his chair and moved it slowly to the right and to the left, and to the right again. Thanks to heavens, that day's work was done, and his shoulders were killing him. It should be illegal to have five meetings in a single day.

The shadow of the telecommunications tower had already reached the window of his office on the third floor and spread over his desk. 18:25. Five minutes to go.

He sat up and crackled his knuckles. Dan, who had a crayon on his mouth, looked at him with interest. The office, colored by the amber light so characteristic of the vast plains of Sire-evac, was empty except for the two of them, and the silence was making the baby anxious, and Roy sleepy.

He stood up, and walked towards his little boy's corral with his hands on his waist.

'That green crayon looks yummy, can I have some?' he asked scratching his chin.

The baby raised his head at Roy and chewed on the crayon enthusiastically. After a second, he picked another crayon from the box and handed it to him.

'Nuuu, I want that one' Roy replicated poking his round cheeks.

Dan frowned profusely and grabbed the chewed crayon with his little hands and shook it in front of his face. He looked troubled and somewhat offended. His frowny face reminded him so much of his mother. To be more precise, Dan's whole face was a replica of Riza's for him.

Upon a closer look, Roy realized the crayon Dan was trying to eat was blue.

'Forgive your old man kiddo, I'm senile already. That's a pretty blue crayon you got there'.

Ah yes, he was turning 35 in a few hours. He felt older though, everybody made him feel older that week constantly talking about his bad sight and grumpy mood and reminding him how he had accomplished more in fifteen years of military career than most officers in thirty.

'Well at least I didn't have a 30's crisis like Lt. Sullivan' he thought for himself frowning a bit. 'I didn't make my wife and coworkers go pick me from the side of the road after I got so drunk I couldn't even stand up.'

Roy picked up the baby and walked towards the window. In the way he left the blue crayon over his desk.

Dan squinted his eyes to the sunset and after a second he pointed to the greengrocer across the street.

Roy was already eager to hear him saying his first word. It was a selfish desire because it wasn't like Dan needed it at all, actually he was totally assertive when it came to making others understand what he needed or wanted. He would just point a finger at stuff while making that silly dance with his round and chubby baby butt; he was a baby of simple needs too. The fact that he could get immersed with every new thing showed to him made it easier to keep him entertained.

In that aspect, Roy and Riza couldn't have asked for more, because Dan was born as a very healthy baby, and as long as Dan was in the company of any of them, whatever he was doing was enough to keep him calmed.

Coordination and tidy schedules were crucial back in those days, especially when the Ishval urbanization headed towards the south, next to the area of litigation with Aerugo, and paperwork started to pile up faster than the personnel could get rid of it. There would be days where all General Roy Mustang could do was signing papers for hours and hours from the very first hour in the morning, then take a break or two in order to get a coffee and some snack he could take back to his desk, and keep signing papers till the shadow of the telecommunications tower touched his window. Being a General, one of the only 3 of the East region, wasn't very pleasing when it came to the point that his signature was required literally everywhere and there was nobody else that could do it. Not that he wanted to delegate work that he asked himself to be assigned for, but sometimes the fact that it was too much work for a single man was pretty evident.

Things weren't very different for Major Riza Hawkeye. The fact that her signature was not required in papers didn't help her when it was time for double-checking Roy's work. In addition, she was the one in need of taking care of their baby most of the day, and that alone was enough of a job. Her capacity for multitasking went through the litmus test at its finest once she became a mother. Only Roy knew how much he loathed not being able to interact with his son freely on the office, seeing Riza overwhelmed by the double task of being a soldier and a mother, and both having to keep a low profile about all of it.

In times like that he missed his old team; not just because they worked coordinated like a clock's inner mechanism, but also because if they were there instead of his new rotatory assigned work team, he wouldn't complain about that situation for starters. Indeed there was nobody there that had something against him or Riza, but people had mouths, people are social beings and sometimes they speak without considering potential consequences. Dan didn't deserve a scandalous life. And no way in hell he would allow for that to happen.

To tell the truth, back in the day when he started to dream about having his own family, Roy hadn't imagined it being like this. To begin with, he hadn't even imagined himself being a soldier. His dreams in early teens had been about being a lawyer, or a college professor of political sciences maybe, and having a wife that worked in the same field he did, and some children, and several dogs, and a two-floor house with red bricks and a wide backyard.

Bizarre enough, his current life was a good parallel of that envision. He wouldn't change Dan for anything though, he didn't regret his existence for a mere second. The pain of not being able to squeeze him in front of others and brag about him was nothing compared with the void that would be not having him at all.

The project for the military reform was gaining momentum. He stopped feeling selfish about the edicts he listed in the apart 12, the filial associations, a while ago; he stopped worrying about the eyebrows his edicts raised in the conservative wing of the high charges.

It wasn't about him and Riza anymore; Dan deserved it, he deserved to have a family as a whole but not only in the legal aspect. He deserved for him and Riza to be full-time parents, and be able to share the satisfaction of raising him.

Dan wasn't above or below his dream as soldier: he was part of that dream now.

The baby brought Roy back from his thoughts by handling him another green crayon he had on his pocket.

'Let's leave some for mom, she'll be mad if we don't share some tasty crayons with her' Roy laughed.

Dan stared at him wide eyed for a second and then turned to the exit door on the opposite wall and pointed at it.

'Yes, she'll be back at any second from the restroom, and then we'll go home and we'll see Hayate... and the birds... and Mrs. Andra... and then we'll have dinner!' Roy assured.

Dan looked at him again, and then crawled up to his shoulder and grabbed the hair on the back of his head.

'I'm such a martyr. You don't dare to do this with your mother, you clever guy'  
Roy laughed again.

He walked back to the corral and grabbed Dan's stuffed bunny, Tobo, and his pacifier. Then walked back to the window swaying slowly.

'You're aware I'm your old man, right?'

Dan replied with an excited whimper while still looking towards the door. He either affirmed or was surprised by the news, Roy wrapped himself on the disjunctive.

'I'll take that as a yes' he nodded sighing. 'You know? I'm already wondering what you'll call me. Give me a cool nickname, okay?'

Dan clapped and started making squeaky noises. He was excited for some reason and Roy wasn't sure what it was. Did he understand what he said?

'Oh? Tell me more'

Dan seemed to want to establish a conversation with him. He gesticulated with both hands a lot like Roy himself, and that made the soon-to-be 35 years-old man ridiculously happy.

He was happy, but he was so unsure of himself too, about his choices on parenthood. He didn't count with a solid example of how to be a good father because he didn't have one himself. Well, he technically had, but it was like he hadn't because he couldn't even remember his face, let alone any interaction of himself with his father, or between his parents. At all. And whenever he looked at the picture Madame Chrismas would show him back in his teen years, the face of that man holding a baby version of himself felt completely unfamiliar. Whenever he thought about parenthood like he did during Riza's pregnancy...

He would think of Hughes.

Yes, Hughes was probably the closest thing to a father he had even known and he had accepted him as an example of a good one. And the longer he spent with Dan, the more he would remember the multiple times Hughes gave him updates about Elysia, be it by phone or by letters. He still kept those on a drawer at his studio, and he found himself reading them at least once a week lately. For inspiration, for a feeling of company, he didn't know anymore.

'Hey Dan, what do you think of me? Do you think I suck at being a papa?'

Dan just kept staring at him, as if waiting for the rest of the sentence.

'You see, when Elysia turned three, I called after dinner to greet her. She was really happy because she had spent a really good day and had eaten a lot of cake and received a lot of gifts. She said she was a grown up girl already, she was also was having her very first slumber party with Winry. Then she handled the phone to Maes and he just repeated what Elysia told me and then talked again on and on about the day of her birth. The call ended up lasting an hour and a half and it could have been longer. He just hung up the phone because Gracia asked him to; he was being obscenely loud and she and the girls couldn't sleep at all.'  
'Long story short, at the end of the day I just had the funny feeling of envisioning myself in that situation. I don't know what happened, I hadn't had that kind of thoughts for a while, but they came back and hit with strength that night. I guess... something beyond me foretold what would happen just some hours later and made me go emotional on advance.' Roy made a pause to have a sip of the coffee he had on his desk. It was cold already but he didn't even notice. 'Maes was in many senses an inspiration. He didn't even do that much beyond being a loyal comrade and an over talkative dork with I'm-the-best-father complex... but he was there, and in some way his presence was enough to prevent my pessimistic ego from burying the desires of progress. I never told him that of course, it would have been embarrassing as hell, but I hoped he would know somehow.'

The clock on the tower sounded outside. 18:30

Roy kept talking on a quieter voice while staring out the window.

'Maes was a very memorable person. I'm sure Elysia will have her heart full of memories of him as she grows up, because he made sure to spend with her every possible moment with her to create those memories. Maes showed me something I found unreasonable back then: the joy, the selfish happiness of living as a father whose purpose when he wakes up every morning is seeing his child's smile and to use it as a catalyst to gather all your strength and go on with your life, no matter how hard things can get.'

He made a pause and put Dan on his chair and knelt in front of him before continuing. The baby seemed to want to talk back to him.

'Yet I'm still failing at giving you that collection of valuable memories by sticking with you at every moment of the day, and I hate it... Forgive papa for being this pathetic. I hope one day you can also understand how important you are to me, and that I will be your papa no matter what, and that I'm working harder and harder each day in order to pay you back for everything you're helping me achieve. Before you were born, all my motivations rested on an intangible hope for the future, something that seemed so far away, so uncertain; didn't matter how much I reached out, it always looked so distant. Sometimes I couldn't help but wonder if it was an achievable goal at all, if I would even live enough to be able to witness the results of the change I'm aiming towards.' Roy made a pause to lean his head on the armrest of the chair. 'Right now, to be honest, I wouldn't mind not being able to witness that promised future as long as I can keep walking on this path together with you and Riza.'

Dan was making baby noises with fervent gestures, still trying to talk back to him.

'I talked too much, didn't I? Tell me about your day now' Roy asked playfully.

Dan just lent forwards a bit.

'Papapapa...papa' he replied grabbing his face tightly.

Tears filled Roy's eyes as Dan head-butted his shoulder.

That man that was mentally and physically tired felt like he had just received the blessing of an angel. A man whose eyes had seen the worst of the existence, was now immersed in a state of absolute peace, like all of his problems had been blown away with that clumsy muttering of a baby, a little being that wasn't able to understand the concept of parenthood but seemed to understand him better than Roy himself.

What a fool.

* * *

'Sorry boys. You wouldn't believe how long the line for the restroom was...'

Riza got back to the office after thirty minutes. The sun had almost entirely set and the office was covered in a faint yellowish light that could barely draw any silhouettes. Roy was fast asleep on his chair, holding Dan tightly.

That fool, he left the door unlocked; again. What if somebody else had gotten into the office? What a pain.

Riza took their coats from the hanger and turned on the lights. Dan had his head on Roy's shoulder. He wasn't asleep but he wasn't far from it either; the rhythm at which he sucked on his pacifier was decreasing by the second.

'General' Riza touched Roy's shoulder gently. 'It's time to go home'.


End file.
